Causes · Challenge · Devotion · family · Family Share · love · mom · motherhood · reeding · women · World VS Life

Whatever path you travel, and wherever it may lead… go in Peace.

A 365 Days Challenge Day #4

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God’s Abiding Presence

Where does God live? While it is true that God lives in a high and holy place as king of heaven, it is also true that God is near those who understand that they need Him. God hangs out with the humble. He spends His time with those who understand how destitute they are without Him. As a follower of God, you have the promise of His presence.


Where is God right now? He stands next to you and lives inside you. This means that He is always available. Your prayers don’t need to follow some formula to reach God. They don’t need to grow wings and fly into heaven. Before they leave your lips, God has heard you.


God is always listening, always attentive, always caring for and about you. This opens the door for you to share all of life with Him. You can share your thoughts, your friends, your plans, your dreams, your fears, your small talk, your deepest hurts, and your funniest jokes.
Making contact with God is as simple as saying, ” Here I am.”

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Lord God, I want to share with you today about…


Today I want to share my happiness, My unconditional love for you. My excitement to be able to pray in your name and know that I can count on you, that I can have such a wonderful friend. A friend that loves me for who I am. Someone that knows my feelings even before I speak, someone that truly knows my heart my wants and needs. Thank you for all you have done for me. I’m thankful. I’m dependent on you Lord.









Causes · Challenge · dad · Depressed · Devotion · family · Family Night · Family Share · fatherhood · kids · love · mom · motherhood · photography · reeding · Review · sunday devotion · women · World VS Life

Forgive even if they are not Sorry

A 365 Days Challenge Day #3

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Think about how good it feels when a conflict is resolved and friendship is restored. That’s what God wants for each of us.

When we iron out our differences with others and renew those friendships, we open the door for deeper intimacy with God in prayer. How do you patch things up? Follow the 1-99 rule. If the conflict is 99 percent your responsibility, don’t focus on the party’s mistakes; rather take care of your 1 percent. Most of the time, when you apologize for your role in the conflict, the other person’s heart will soften.

Sincere attempts to reconcile usually work, but sometimes they don’t. God doesn’t expect you to take responsibility for someone else’s unwillingness to apologize or forgive. Nor does god want you to invite an abusive person back into your life. But when you do your best to live at peace with all people, you will experience a new level of peace with God.

Lord God, as I take inventory of my relationships, help me to…

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Help me to forgive those that have hurt me, forgive and forget. It’s so hard sometimes for me to forget. I always keep my focus on the other person’s fault and forget I can only change and take responsibility for my part. Help me to live at peace not only with myself but also with those that has done me wrong.









Causes · Challenge · family · Family Night · Family Share · FitMom · food · Health · love · mom · motherhood · reeding · Review · teens · women · World VS Life

This causes cancer: Myths and truths

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This causes cancer: Myths and truths
After all, what is your risk of catching cancer? Is Cancer contagious? Does all cancer kill? These and other answers you will find in this article.

First I would like to clarify that I am not a doctor. I can not give diagnosis, nor prescribe drugs. For a diagnosis, please see your doctor. What I do here is bring information that I searched and checked the sources whether they are reliable.

As for the questions, these are the most common:

What causes cancer?

There is no single causative factor in cancer, but the sum of a few or several. These include:

1- Genetic inheritance
2- Exposure to external factors such as:

  • Substances: smoke, asbestos, formaldehyde (found in various chemical compounds such as paints), alcohol and radon gas, pesticides, dioxin and bisphenol A (found in the plastic).
  • Food: sugar (its excess acid makes the body and conducive to the development of cancer), processed meats – sausage, bacon, and ham. GM, soft drinks, including diets, hydrogenated fats, genetically modified oils, seasoning monosodium glutamate.
  • Others Radiation, asbestos, viruses, hormones, low immune conditions, ethnicity.

There are many and various causes of cancer and none of them are 100% decisive, that is, use, contamination or exposure to carcinogenic factors does not give 100% sure that the person will develop cancer. Even heredity, by the way, cancer is not hereditary, it is good to clarify. What is a genetic predisposition, which while important, does not guarantee anyone the incidence of the disease.

Myths and truths


Cancer is hereditary
As explained above, this is a very common myth, except for Retinoblastoma, cancer does not pass from father to son.

Cancer is contagious
Overall, cancer is not contagious, although there are two types of cancer that can be transmitted through sex, blood and infected syringes: HPV, hepatitis B (liver cancer) and HTLV (leukemia and cell lymphoma Adult T).

Tumor and cancer are the same
Every cancer is a tumor, but not every tumor is cancer. Cancerous tumors are usually referred to  as “evil” and non-cancerous tumors as “benign”. A tumor is an increase in volume in any part of the body. Different from cancer because it does not spread to other organs, it has defined limits, grow slower and in most cases do not leads to death.

Black people are not at risk of skin cancer
They are as exposed as any other person as the determining factor is not the sun – although it contributes – but the physical acidity.

Sunscreen protects fully against skin cancer

There is much controversy between using or not using sunscreen due to harmful substances found in them (like paraben). The fact is that sunscreen does not completely protect the skin, especially against infrared rays.


Cancer can be cured

Yes. If detected early and get good follow-up, the chances of cure are high. Currently more than half of existing cancers are cured. But that does not mean that the cancer will not return. If the person has developed cancer by environmental exposure and will not move away from the cancerous environment, the cancer may reoccur.


can you prevent cancer

Healthy living helps a lot to prevent cancer. This includes not smoking, no drinking, no drugs, eating well, sunbathe to get vitamin D, a healthy and organic food preference, physical exercise and appropriate weight maintenance.

Anyone can develop cancer

Unfortunately it’s true. And the older you are, the greater the risk. The baby’s body is alkaline and old, acid. The risk increases if there are family cases and close exposure to cancer agents previously mentioned.

Breastfeeding prevents breast cancer

Yeah! Breastfeeding reduces risk of breast cancer. According to Valerie Beral researcher at the Research Centre of Britain Charity “The longer the time that women breastfeed, the greater the protection against breast cancer.”








Info found on


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One Good Choice After Another 

One Good Choice After Another

Are you enjoying the life and blessings of God in your everyday life? Or have you made a series of choices resulting in disappointment, pain, or feeling that everything you do requires great effort and produces little reward? Don’t spend your time and energy mourning all the bad decisions you have made; just start making good ones. There is hope for you!
The way to overcome the results of a series of bad choices is through a series of right choices. The only way to walk out of trouble is to do the opposite of whatever you did to get into trouble—one choice at a time. Maybe the circumstances of your life right now are the direct result of a series of bad choices you have made. You may be in debt because you have made a lot of bad choices with money. You may be lonely because of a series of bad choices in relationships or in the way you treat people. You may be sick because of a series of unhealthy choices: eating junk food, not getting enough rest, or abusing your body through working too much and not having enough balance in your life.

You cannot make a series of bad choices that result in significant problems and then make one good choice and expect all the results of all those bad choices to go away. You did not get into deep trouble through one bad choice; you got into trouble through a series of bad choices. If you really want your life to change for the better, you will need to make one good choice after another, over a period of time, just as consistently as you made the negative choices that produced negative results.

No matter what kind of trouble or difficulty you find yourself in, you can still have a blessed life. You cannot do anything about what is behind you, but you can do a great deal about what lies ahead of you. God is a redeemer, and He will always give you another chance.

Trust in Him

If you have a situation that is too big for you to solve, then you are material for a miracle. Invite God to get involved, trust in and follow His directions, make one good choice after another, and you will see amazing results.

“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭4:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

From the book Trusting God Day by Day by Joyce Meyer.
Causes · Family Share · kids · teens

Why Mom was Right about Bullies?


 At the park with my kid today and his dad. They were playing baseball. I was sitting at the bench, just watching my kid hit the balls with dad. These other little kids come to the field to play, and as I sit there listening to them ( remind you these kids are like 8-10 years old ) One of them becomes really angry and starts to scream at the others and say ” why do I have to be the one always called a retard, demented, no good, and horrible at everything.” He walks out of the field goes up on the bleaches and starts saying; ” I should of killed my self yesterday when I had the chance.” I quickly look over and at this point I was mouth dropped at the conversation and couldn’t believe the others didn’t say anything. So I gave the other kids the Mom Look. Like ” Hello say something this is your friend. ” 

The other kids started to try to calm him down and started talking to him and saying; ” Dude your dad got you a $300 bat do you think if you were no good he would do that? He replied:” what does that have to do with anything. You guys hate me and always call me bad names. ” I hate you. ” leave me alone and he runs away. I felt so bad I wanted to hug him, and go call this poor kids mother. My son was like ” Mom poor kid, did you see that? Those other kids are true bullies. I said yes and I told him about what he said killing himself. 


 My son was prettified. ( whatever the word is).

 I don’t know but my kids grew up in a bad world already with all this bulling crap, and I always told them. Don’t do to others what you don’t want for your self. And if anyone do it to you there’s two option. 
1. Ignore 

2. Tell someone that will make a difference 

Never seek revenge, because that will only cause more problems. I always told them try to be friends and nice to everyone. That way you will have less problems. Don’t judge anyone. 

Sometimes the Bullies might be being Bullied themselves and that’s all they know how to do because they don’t know any different. 

They don’t know what true friends are. Or love. So try to show them that it might work. 

I think all of it depends on PARENTING. 

Teach your kids to LOVE their neighbors like they love themselves. 🙂 

End of the story with that kid was, when we were about to leave we saw a parent talking to the bullies and the adult actually yelled at the kid that was being bullied because he said he wanted to kill himself.  I would of taken a different approach. 

Now I ask you. Do you think as a parent. Did his parent or the adult present do the right thing? 

Was yelling at the poor kid the right approach? 

What would you do if it was you in that situation? 

Anxiety · Causes · Depressed · Devotion · Family Share · Health · kids · love · Mental Health

From One Who Was Cut And Pierced For You; He understands!

Suicide among young people is on the rise. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide is now the third leading cause of death for youth between ages 10 and 24. Some states even report it as the leading cause of death in this age group. “It results in approximately 4,600 lives lost each year. The top three methods used in suicides of young people include firearm (45%), suffocation (40%), and poisoning (8%). ” Deaths resulting from suicide are only part of the problem. The CDC states, “More young people survive suicide attempts than actually die. A nationwide survey of youth in grades 9–12 in public and private schools in the United States found that 16 percent of students reported seriously considering suicide, 13 percent reported creating a plan, and 8 percent reported trying to take their own life in the 12 months preceding the survey.”

It’s obvious that suicide is becoming a serious problem with our youth.

The telltale signs

There are usually warning signs that let you know when your teen is struggling emotionally — the kinds of struggles that lead to suicidal thoughts.

  1. Depression. This is not simply a child having a bad day and feeling down. All children have those from time to time. This is about a child feeling depressed day after day — a feeling of hopelessness. You can’t seem to cheer him or her up.

  2. Other suicides. When a fellow student commits suicide, it puts the thought into the minds of others.
  3. Too much stress. Kids are under a lot of pressure in school and far too many pressures at home.
  4. Involved in drug and alcohol abuse. When these abusive behaviors are present, likelihood of suicide increases.
  5. Bullied at school or on social media. We hear continually about bullied kids being so hurt and ashamed that they finally can’t deal with the hurt anymore.

When these factors are involved, it doesn’t mean your child will commit suicide. It just means you need to pay attention, improve your relationship with your child or consider getting some professional help.

What parents can do

These reports are daunting, and parents may wonder what is to be done to stem this tide. No parent wants his child to die — and most certainly not by suicide. Here’s the good news. There are specific ways parents play a vital role in helping prevent their children from committing or attempting suicide. The following are the most powerful things a parent can do.

Create a strong family environment

This is done several different ways:

  • Eat meals together as a family at least five times a week. This creates a safe place where family members can talk about what’s going on in their lives, laugh and share their concerns.
  • Play together. Do fun things. Board games, ball games, bowling, picnics, camping — anything fun and wholesome that brings the family together.
  • Visit relatives. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins bring a great deal of support and love into a child’s life. Make this happen for your family.
  • It’s reassuring to know that parents, siblings and loved ones care about you. This happens from continual association with each other in the home — in a congenial atmosphere. This doesn’t mean there won’t be arguing at times. That’s normal. It just means you keep the family activities going, regardless. Remember to tell your kids you love them. That matters. They need to hear it often.

Attend religious services

In a recent article, Greg Hudnall, a suicide prevention trainer, says of the youth, “[R]eligion helps them feel a connectedness, and that connectedness is very powerful.” This same article reports that “the students who reported high levels of religious participation — attending services one time per week or more — were half as likely to have contemplated suicide.”

Hudnall goes on to say, “One thing parents and religious communities can do is help youths deal with disappointment, psychological stress and failure.”

Keep a close eye on your child’s behavior and demeanor. To prevent suicidal thoughts, be diligent in involving your child in family activities and religious experiences. These two traditions have proven to be highly effective in curtailing suicide. If suicidal signs persist, seek professional help. It’s a fact that some suicides will happen even if parents do all they can to be there for their children. When this happens, parents who know they did what they could to save their children can, at least, find a measure of peace.

Together, Gary and Joy Lundberg author books on relationships. For more from the Lundbergs on improving communication, see I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better.”

via Protecting your child from the expanding risk of suicide.


Now this article called my attention. Not only because I’ve been suffering from the depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms and having a difficult time these past couple of years of my life more than others. But because I read in a group yesterday, on a board a mother crying out for help because her daughter is a cutter. The daughter just told her about it and she didn’t know what to do. Her husband didn’t understand and wanted to keep quiet about it just between them. (Normal .. Some people are embarrassed ) not something easy to deal with specially if your family is a family that a lot of people look at as a good, healthy family. For an example; My husband is a Pastor and I’m the messed up wife lol. Is how I see it (OOops Joke about it ). Am I embarrassed? I was at the beginning for a long time, but not anymore. and you might ask me. Why not anymore? Well, I’m the one that needs the help, and I’m the one that knows if I don’t get it, or look for the help now things can get worse and than what? Will being embarrassed help me than? So that’s what I did. Regardless of what people might think or will think of me or my family I’m getting the help I need. I don’t care what others think of me or my family. I’m doing this for us. Not for them. So I think it’s very important for You as parents to talk to your kids and be aware of whats going on with them and not just your kids but your spouse as well. Give them the help they need. Trust me as I say this.  If your TEEN comes to you and tells you ” Mom or Dad I’m a cutter I need help.”  They NEED help, and YOU will NOT be able to provide that HELP they are seeking unless you have the structure to do it all alone and most of us don’t. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. If you could provide that help they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing in the first place. They would just come and talk to you and solve the problem. They cut to feel relieve, to release the pain, to feel alive. Depression is not something you can wake up one day and say ” Oh it’s all gone. ” Please use the helpful links and seek help.

🙂 Hugs to all 🙂 

For Women 

Crisis HelpLine


Anxiety · Causes · Depressed · Family Share · love · Lyrics · Mental Health · photography · Wordless

{ Just Keep Breathing }

The 1st Time I heard this song I was facing a though battle in my life, a battle I don’t wish upon my worst enemy. As I listened to this song, I cried, many nights. I was in such a bad shape all I wanted to do is disappear. I wanted to scream for help but I couldn’t. It was a choice I didn’t have. I would say ” Oh GOD how I need you now.. Don’t you see me? can’t you feel the pain I’m going through? Why is this happening to me? To my marriage? I just couldn’t understand. At one point I was so tired of holding on and I wanted to give up. That’s when I felt the hands of God holding me up. Like he has done many time. Never letting me go. My tears still drips sore but I”m feeling better.. So Today I wanted to share this song with you guys hope you like it.. Let me know what you think 🙂 


“Need You Now (How Many Times)”

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now


Anxiety · Causes · Depressed · Family Share · Health · Mental Health

I’m Not Afraid __{Anymore}


What you see on the outside is not always what’s on the inside. A lot of us don’t even know what or how we really feel until we crash, and that’s how I felt about a month ago. I’ve had many up’s and down’s in my life since I was a child, like many people. We all have something to complain about, some more than others. I had some bad tragedy happening to me as a young girl and as I became older. I held everything that wasn’t exposed inside for many years too long. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to say, that I need help, I looked for help, and I got it( been getting help). Am I healed? Absolutely not. I still have a very long way to go, but I have good faith in God I will get better. 

Being in this situation got me too depressed and having anxiety, panic attacks, Plus all the other health issues I have doesn’t help. Holding in all my emotions and sadness, not sharing with anyone what I was feeling made me many times want not to live anymore. The only thing that kept me going strong was my family. The fact I have 3 kids and a Husband that I love so much made me make the choice I wanted to be alive for them.

I had to be hospitalized for eight days, because of my INR not being stabled and having a blood clotting disorder that is very dangerous. I was also having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen. Pain that I still have till this lovely day by the way. As I was there at the Stewart Hospital there was this awesome doctor talking to me and he actually got it out of me that I was feeling depressed and that I needed more help. He also looked at my records. Something that will follow you for life is your record. Those records had some history of attempts in there from when I was 11,13,16,18, records that sucks to have but those things do have consequences on me today. So that doctor talked to me about going into this hospital to get help for my mental issues. I decided to go. I know another thing to follow my record but, I have a lot of things to work on and this was going to be good for me. So I had to give it a try. I didn’t know what it was going to be like didn’t know what to expect. On my way there in the ambulance all I could think about was, ” God Please Help Me.” I needed to do this to get rid of the monsters that haunted me. I was in such a bad shape I couldn’t shower without the thought of hurting a person that I recently got into an argument with. Not only that but the monster from my past haunted me daily, made me scared, made me think horrible things about myself. A lot of people are ashamed to admit they have a problem, not me. I always knew I had a problem but never thought I needed help. Now I made the decision to get the help I need. 


St. Elizabeth Medical Center Seton 5

1st day I got there I got checked in, all my things – laptop, iPhone,journal, bag, wallet, and everything else possible of using for harm got taken away. They took my vitals and blood work. I got my room and I stayed there for the night sleeping. I wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. Never slept so much like that day. They had to wake me up at one point because my husband was on the phone, I told him I was fine and right back to sleep I went.

2nd day – I got up early, don’t remember the time all I know is that I stayed in that room till they announced breakfast was there. I went to get it, and it was nothing I wanted to eat. ( when I arrived I filled a menu IDK why they didn’t bring what I asked ) So all I had from that tray was the coffee, cream and sugar, but even that tasted horrible. I tried to step out of my room for a bit and as I stood by my door there was this girl sitting next to the door on a table that was there she was all alone, young girl I was afraid to start talking to her because she looked like she was 16, and I’m this old lady didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. So I asked her if I could put my cup down on the table, you know a lot of people don’t like others invading their space and she was all nice about it and said ” yes “. I started to make small conversation with her. I’ll keep her name private and I’ll call her “J” for this post, and If she ever reads this you know who you are :). After that day at that table,  I can say J you became a great part of my recovery. Talking to you every day and having you there just to color next to me 🙂 and have a conversation made a big difference. Thank You Girl for being a friend when I needed one. I do miss you… ( oh by the way “J” is not 16 LOL she’s in her 20’s ) …..That same day I got a roommate and  it was this older women ( in her 60’s ) the night she came in I was awake all night ( as a matter of fact I was awake for most of the 6 days I was there ) and she was so mad she had a roommate It was very funny.

The next morning Day #3 I was talking to “J” I told her about the roommate and we laughed. After breakfast at around group time I met my roommate “D” She turned out to be this lovely lady and my heart melted for her. 😦  We all started to attend groups and talk and hang around the T.V rooms like we were best friends LOL. We helped each other out and together we kept going day by day. The last thing you want to do is go into a place like this and lock yourself out and shut down and don’t let others in. Big mistake. Because becoming friends with them is what helps you most.

 Now that you guys know about the people/Friends there and how nice it was to meet them lets talk about the program. When I got there it was nothing like I was hoping for. I’ll explain. I had in mind this place where I was going to have groups, speak to doctors daily, and see a psychiatrist every day, but no nothing like that. I met my nurse 2x a day for my meds anything I asked her about my medication or problem she would say I had to wait to see a doctor. I had groups 5x a day. The doctor saw me on my 2nd day there for 5minutes changed all my medications and added more to my list, without knowing me or my history. In groups, you talk to staffs and mates which were great. Once you get to know all the staff you know which ones are the good ones and the ones that are there just for the $$. There were 3-4 staffs there named James lol, all cool, nice people actually cared about doing their jobs treated patients with respect. Yes, they are there for the money but they know how to treat the people that are there and respect their condition. There’s this one staff there I wish I remembered his name, because I would name him here he would go around talking to all the female nurses about all the patients problems and why they were there, now you tell me. Is that even being professional? He was a missable person and overtime he was there it made me feel more depressed than I already was. It was horrible.

Other than those little complain Seton 5 is a very good place. I didn’t think it would help me at all and it did it made a difference in my life. When I got there I was feeling so horrible and my mind was filled with Hate and driving me crazy with all the horrible thoughts. Now I can work on them better and focus on my recovery.

I recommend the hospital to anyone the is willing to get help. I’m very Thankful I made that decision. I have no regrets. From now on I have to keep working on getting better. 🙂

It takes time to get cured, if you ever do. But you can make a choice to live miserable or try to move on.

Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, as needed. I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life.



Causes · Health · Review

{ PTSD } A Spouse’s Perspective How to Survive in A World of #PTSD _ By Erica David


PTSD A Spouse’s Perspective How to Survive in A World of PTSD

By Erica David  
Published by WestBow Press

Has PTSD invaded your world?

Are you always walking on eggshells? Feel like nothing you do is right? Are you the victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse? Are you in a relationship with someone who suffers from PTSD? Then this book is a must-read for you. There is hope!

What is PTSD? It’s the aftermath of a traumatic event that happens during a person’s life no matter their age. The affect a PTSD has on a family is very complicated why not say it’s very sad. I believe it affects everyone not only the person that has the PTSD but the spouse, their children and anyone else that is around that person. 

In this book the author tells her story, about her family, how her husband came home from war and was a different man. After all that must of happened there he had some difficult issues that took her sometime to understand because he wouldn’t talk about it, like most people with PTSD. Him being like that made her depressed, and a secondary PTSD from her marriage. Not only that but she also suffered some childhood trauma that also caused her to have PTSD.  So the book goes on explaining what is PTSD – It explains in details the traumatic event that happens during a her life. Even though the cause of PTSD can be when you’re a child you can still suffer as an adult. Some people never realize the impact that the event has on them until they start counseling sessions. When the therapist asks about the event and they have to recall all the traumatic event back. For some sleep is unpleasant, a lot of people has panic attacks. Every chapter of the book she gives you an answer and teaches you how to deal with some key points.  I guess I expected a little more I don’t know if it’s because I suffer from PTSD and wanted more details for myself and she’s more on the ” Veteran Spouse ” side of the story. But over all I liked her book and I would recommend it.

There is a quote in the book that I related to it and I would like to quote it. 

Why does life have to hurt so bad? I am tired of the pain that is deep inside that I think I have learned to cope with only to have it mutate and return again. The people I hold dear don’t truly understand how I feel. They can’t. No one knows what I feel inside but me. The loneliness, the despair, the lack of accomplishment, the low self-esteem. if you have been successful there is no way you can understand my pain of rejection. Knowing that I am capable but no one will give me a chance. One look at my resume says it all.

For 20 years, I devoted myself to my husband and my kids. Now I feel like I have nothing. Nothing but a persistent pain that keeps me from moving forward. But I don’t have anything to move forward to. Somewhere I lost me, and I don’t know how to relate to this person that I have become. One minute I am fine and the next minute I am a bucket of tears. The seemingly happy moments are only a masquerade to cover the pain.

I keep treading water trying to stay afloat. But I am slowly sinking. Not able to decide what is best for me. Not wanting to make the wrong decision. I am indecisive. Wish I could live both lives to see which one I like better. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You live with the choices you make. Good or bad.  I am someone who can be lonely in a crowded room. I sit quietly listening, thinking, but never contributing to the conversation. After all what I have to say probably isn’t important or eventually someone else will say what I was thinking. So why bother. Just stay in my own world. Nobody notices anyways.

What is peace? Is peace ever possible? I only wish I knew. I thought of suicide, but I don’t want to leave that scar on my children’s heart for the remainder of their lives. I can’t even die in peace. Just please take the pain away. Let me find PEACE.

That is a killer quote/poem she wrote there it was so deep I was left speechless.. To me it was so me besides the suicide part. Having PTSD Sucks and although some people might think there’s a cure for it I believe there isn’t. Unless you’ve ” Suffered from it ” don’t judge. That’s what I have to say 🙂

The reason why I say that is because You Might be able to FORGIVE but forgetting the past is something completely different and difficult to do trust me .. Have a Blessed Day!!!!  

I received this book free from the publisher through the BookLook Bloggers <> book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 <> : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”


{ A Silent } Killer – True Story #BloodClot

This might be a very long post. Some of you might not even read it all the way. I’m still going to post it as is. A lot of people that will stumble upon my blog don’t know, I’m a survivor of a Deep venous thrombosis on my right leg and a pulmonary embolism. I also carry a mutation called G20210A and we consider it a silent killer. The reason is, because it hits you unannounced and it can kill you very quickly. Some of us are very lucky and Blessed to have the opportunity and chance to survive.  Unfortunately a lot of us do pass this on to our children like I did, and I don’t know about everyone but for me it’s very painful. As I read Kim and Angela’s story. I had tears in my eyes and I asked her to share it with everyone on here and she gave me permission to share it. Everything written below are her own words all credits and copyrights are KimberlyHennings


Kimberly Hennings’ story

Kimberly Hennings of Colorado shares her and her sister’s story of pulmonary embolism. Kim developed multiple PE’s post-surgery in November 2007. She later found out she carries prothrombin G20210A genetic thrombophilia, as do all of her family members except her mother. Tragically, her sister Angela died of a PE at age 40 in July 2008. Angela had no other factors to attribute to developing a DVT in her right knee, which progressed quickly into a single PE, causing her death. Angela had not yet had thrombophilia testing since her insurance company denied coverage for the testing. When she developed breathing problems, they were attributed to severe allergies and asthma. Her diagnosis of PE was missed until it was too late.
In July, 2007, I was living as most mothers of young children do. I followed the daily routine of long work days to financially provide for my family, lost in the rush of seemingly endless soccer practices, band recitals, doctor’s appointments and evening college courses.
In the early morning hours of July 13, 2007, events occurred that set in motion an entire year of turmoil for me and my family. In the early dawn of that day, I was awakened with acute abdominal pain. I could barely manage to speak loudly enough to wake my husband, who was asleep right next to me.
I was rushed to the emergency room via ambulance. After an MRI was performed, the attending emergency room physician stated I had suffered a partially impacted bowel that tore and while he expected it to heal, the MRI revealed something far more alarming.

I had a rather large “mass” on my liver.I underwent a battery of further testing. Months of CT Scans, more MRI’s and many blood tests. It was determined that my liver was beginning to fail. I was in constant pain which radiated over my collarbone and down my back. I was sent to the liver transplant department at University Hospital for a serious surgery; removal of the tumor as well as my gallbladder.

On November 14, 2007, I underwent liver resection surgery. The tumor was so large (about the size of a softball); they had to remove approximately 65 percent of my liver along with it. It contained a “parasitic blood supply” which meant it was stealing blood away from my liver, causing it to go into early failure.
As soon as I woke up in the recovery room, I felt stabbing, debilitating pain under my right collarbone.

I immediately told the nurse that something was wrong.
I was having difficulty breathing, and all the pain medication in the world was not alleviating it. Throughout the rest of my stay there, the pain intensified, and my oxygen levels continued to drop. Regardless, I was discharged on 70 percent oxygen levels and sent home with an oxygen tank. We were told by the surgeon, “If she can walk, she can go home.” and that my breathing problems were probably a result of my asthma, although I had no presence of wheezing.

I will never understand how I survived the 75 mile trip home, or how I ever made it through that one night at home. I slept on the recliner, my abdomen covered in layers of staples, stitches and bandages. I remember how little I slept; waking myself with startled gasps for air. When we called the surgeon’s office, we were merely told to increase the oxygen output, that everything would “resolve itself”.
It was my husband that took notice…a man with no medical background…but he has often said he “felt it in his gut” that something was seriously wrong with me. I even tried to argue with him that “I’m fine.

Quit worrying.” But, as usual, he would not take “No” for an answer. He wanted me to go to the ER; I bartered for the doctor’s office. When our PCP told me he was sending me to the ER on Thanksgiving Eve (less than 24 hours after my initial discharge), my husband never said “I told you so.” I started gasping for air in the car on the way across town…and he begged me to hang on. By the time we got to the ER, I collapsed, and they put me in a wheelchair. I will never forget the feeling of my (then) 3 year old daughter grasping my hand with her tiny fingers…being so careful not to touch the IV’s…and saying, “Mommy, please don’t leave me.”

The CT scan completed in the ER revealed 6 PE’s had embedded into both my lungs. I was admitted immediately in critical condition. An ultrasound revealed a DVT in my left femoral vein. I remember one of the doctor’s calling it “the mother ship”.
I remember overhearing the doctor speak to my husband outside the door of my hospital room that first night there. “I’m sorry, Mr. Hennings, you cannot stay with her tonight. Her condition is incredibly serious and I realize you want to be here with her, but if something happens, I need all the room I can manage for my staff and the equipment to save her. If anything changes, we will call you.”

I sat up for days in such excruciating pain as the PE’s dug deeper into my lungs. They tried to give me morphine, but honestly, I wound up telling them to stop the morphine…because it wasn’t touching the pain I was in. My lungs would spasm and at times my breathing was reduced to tiny, shallow inhalations because breathing in much more brought the pain back again with a vengeance. I also developed a pleural effusion around one of the larger PE’s in the base of my right lung. I still had residual pain up to four months afterward. I have never felt such intense pain my entire life…and I have had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured in 3 places…the pain from the PE’s was worse than that.
Fortunately, I healed well over the next six months. I was on anticoagulation therapy and a follow-up CT scan surprisingly revealed that all the clots were gone. All that remained was scar tissue in my lungs were some of the larger clots had been.

Genetic blood tests conducted while in the hospital revealed that I am a heterozygous carrier of the prothrombin G20210A mutation (also known as Prothrombin Factor II) thrombophilia.
I was adamant with my family; my mother, father, brother and sister, to get the genetic testing.

My mother tested negative. My brother and father are both positive. My sister, Angela, found herself in a tug-of-war battle trying to get her insurance company to pay for the testing. The consistently denied her claims even though she gave them the results of my blood work.
My sister had not had any surgery, nor had she been on a long airline flight, and had not recently had a pregnancy or given birth. She was a mother much like me; living her life, providing for her family, and enjoying being a wife and mother.

Angela was here with us one day, and tragically, gone in the blink of an eye the next.

On July 5, 2008, Angela was battling allergy season in New Hampshire. She collapsed on the floor of her living room, regained consciousness for a short time, and then her heart simply stopped in the ambulance as it reached the parking lot of the hospital.

My brother-in-law still kicks himself for not being able to “see” what was wrong with Angela. Since she was having severe allergy problems, her breathing difficulty was attributed to that. I’ve tried to remind him many times that my symptoms were also “cast off” as problems with my asthma, even though I had no presence of wheezing and did not have any problems breathing prior to surgery. I try to emphasize that one of the top liver transplant surgeons in the United States MISSED my symptoms completely, discharging me with 70 percent O2 levels and an oxygen tank.

That does not alleviate the pain of losing your beloved wife of 16 years and it certainly brings no comfort to the five children she left behind. Her eldest was serving the U.S. Navy in Iraq at the time of his mother’s death, her second son ready to celebrate the 1st birthday of his own son (Angela’s first grandchild). Now, her 3 daughters, ages 14, 11 and 4 have to learn to live anew without their mother. It shakes me to the very core of my being realizing that my nieces will not have her there for their first date, their prom, graduation or wedding. The youngest won’t even have her mommy there for her very first day of school; something that raced through my mind in those moments when my own daughter grasped my fingers so gingerly that night in the ER and begged me to stay with her.

Our fears now shift to our children, and the terrified concern that we have passed this silent killer on to them. I recall how difficult it was for us to have our daughter; never knowing at the time that the recurring miscarriages were caused by my blood disorder. I am determined, like a mother lion, to not allow this silent stalker of thrombophilia to steal my daughter away from me…it has already cost me far too much in taking my beloved sister

________ Kimberly 

In Memory of Angela


Blood Clots
Deep Vein Thrombosis (DVT) or Pulmonary Embolism (PE) cause more than 100,000 deaths in the United States every year.
These include men, women and children of all ages.
Sadly, these numbers continue to grow.
The good news is that with education and awareness, many blood clot-caused deaths can be prevented.
Please donate today to help us Stop The Clot and save lives!