I’m Not Afraid __{Anymore}

What you see on the outside is not always what’s on the inside. A lot of us don’t even know what or how we really feel until we crash, and that’s how I felt about a month ago. I’ve had many ups and downs in my life since I was a child, like many people. We all have something to complain about, some more than others. I had some bad tragedy happen to me as a young girl and as I became older. I held everything that wasn’t exposed inside of me for many years actually for too long. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to say, that I need help, I looked for help, and I got it (been getting help).
Am I healed? Absolutely not. I still have a very long way to go, but I have good faith in God I will get better. 

Being in this situation got me too depressed and having anxiety, panic attacks, plus all the other health issues I have doesn’t help. Holding in all my emotions and sadness, not sharing with anyone what I was feeling made me many times want not to live anymore. The only thing that kept me going strong was my family. The fact I have 3 kids and a husband that I love so much made me make the choice I wanted to be alive for them.

I had to be hospitalized for eight days because my INR not being stabled and having a blood clotting disorder that is very dangerous. I was also having a lot of pain in my lower abdomen. Pain that I still have till this lovely day by the way. As I was there at the Stewart Hospital this awesome doctor was talking to me and he actually got it out of me that I was feeling depressed and that I needed more help. He also looked at my records. Something that will follow you for life is your record. Those records had some history of attempts in there from when I was 11,13,16,18, records that suck to have but those things do have consequences on me today. So that doctor talked to me about going into this hospital to get help for my mental issues. I decided to go. I know another thing to follow my record but, I have a lot of things to work on and this was going to be good for me. So, I had to give it a try. I didn’t know what it was going to be like didn’t know what to expect. On my way there in the ambulance, all I could think about was, ” God Please Help Me.” I needed to do this to get rid of the monsters that haunted me. I was in such bad shape I couldn’t shower without the thought of hurting a person that I recently got into an argument with. Not only that but the monster from my past haunted me daily made me scared and made me think horrible things about myself. A lot of people are ashamed to admit they have a problem, but not me. I always knew I had a problem but never thought I needed help. Now I made the decision to get the help I need. 

St. Elizabeth Medical Center Seton 5

1st day I got there I got checked in, and all my things – laptop, iPhone, journal, bag, wallet, and everything else possible of using for harm got taken away. They took my vitals and blood work. I got my room and I stayed there for the night sleeping. I wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone. Never slept so much like that day. They had to wake me up at one point because my husband was on the phone, I told him I was fine, and right back to sleep I went.

2nd day – I got up early, don’t remember the time all I know is that I stayed in that room till they announced breakfast was there. I went to get it, and it was nothing I wanted to eat. (When I arrived, I filled a menu IDK why they didn’t bring what I asked) So all I had from that tray was the coffee, cream, and sugar, but even that tasted horrible. I tried to step out of my room for a bit and as I stood by my door this girl was sitting next to the door on a table that was there, she was all alone, a young girl I was afraid to start talking to her because she looked like she was 16, and I’m this old lady didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. So, I asked her if I could put my cup down on the table, you know a lot of people don’t like others invading their space and she was all nice about it and said ” yes “. I started to make small conversation with her. I’ll keep her name private, and I’ll call her “J” for this post, and if she ever reads this you know who you are :). After that day at that table, I can say J you became a great part of my recovery. Talking to you every day and having you there just to color next to me 🙂 and having a conversation made a big difference. Thank You Girl for being a friend when I needed one. I miss you… (oh by the way “J” is not 16 LOL she’s in her 20’s) …..That same day I got a roommate, and it was this older woman (in her 60’s) the night she came in I was awake all night (as a matter of fact I was awake for most of the 6 days I was there) and she was so mad she had a roommate It was very funny.

The next morning Day #3 I was talking to “J” I told her about the roommate, and we laughed. After breakfast around group time, I met my roommate “D” She turned out to be this lovely lady, and my heart melted for her. 😦  We all started to attend groups and talk and hang around the T.V rooms like we were best friends LOL. We helped each other out and together we kept going day by day. The last thing you want to do is go into a place like this and lock yourself out and shut down and don’t let others in. Big mistake. Because becoming friends with them is what helps you most.

 Now that you guys know about the people/Friends there and how nice it was to meet them let’s talk about the program. When I got there it was nothing like I was hoping for. I’ll explain. I had in mind this place where I was going to have groups, speak to doctors daily, and see a psychiatrist every day, but no nothing like that. I met my nurse 2x a day for my meds anything I asked her about my medication or problem she would say I had to wait to see a doctor. I had groups 5 times a day. The doctor saw me on my 2nd day there for 5 minutes changed all my medications and added more to my list, without knowing me or my history. In groups, you talk to staff and mates which were great. Once you get to know all the staff you know which ones are the good ones and the ones that are there just for the $$. There was 3-4 staff there named James lol, all cool, nice people who actually cared about doing their jobs and treating patients with respect. Yes, they are there for the money, but they know how to treat the people that are there and respect their condition. There’s this one staff there I wish I remembered his name because I would name him here, he would go around talking to all the female nurses about all the patient’s problems and why they were there, now you tell me. Is that even professional? He was a miserable person and over time he was there it made me feel more depressed than I already was. It was horrible.

Other than those little complaints Seton 5 is a very good place. I didn’t think it would help me at all and it did it made a difference in my life. When I got there, I was feeling so horrible, and my mind was filled with Hate and driving me crazy with all the horrible thoughts. Now I can work on them better and focus on my recovery.

I recommend the hospital to anyone willing to get help. I’m very Thankful I made that decision. I have no regrets. From now on I have to keep working on getting better. 🙂

It takes time to get cured if you ever do.
But you can make a choice to live miserably or try to move on.

Today, I will remember that there is a powerful force motivated by writing down goals. I will do that now, as needed. I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life.